Golmaal Returns

Rating : 6/10
Running Time : 140 Minutes
Release Date : 31st Oct 2008
Director : Rohit Shetty; Writer : Rumi Jaffrey; Music : Asheish Pandit, Pritam, Vishal Dadlani, Shekhar Ravjiani
Starring : Ajay Devgan, Arshad Warsi, Kareena Kapoor, Tusshar Kapoor, Shreyas Talpade, Celina Jetley, Amrita Arora

The rating is so high just because they made me laugh – a lot ! Its asinine for most parts, there are a lot of PJ’s thrown in, the plot has more holes than my socks and it drags a bit towards the end. Yet it manages to entertain, crack enough good ones, poke enough fun at the producers, Saawariya or Balaji films to keep us in a state of mild amusement throughout with several sharp upwards spikes in the middle.

Thankfully, they chose to abandon the earlier storyline and most of the characters – keeping just a few (I thought the first Golmaal was terrible) so you can peacefully watch it without being at a loss. Ajay Devgan is married to Kareena, named Ekta in the film just to allow some merciless leg pulling of Ekta Kapoor and her inane serials. They live with their siblings, Kareena’s brother Tusshar (who’s mute) and Ajay’s sister, Amrita Arora. Kareena always suspects Ajay of having affairs and so one night when he doesn’t return as he was rescuing damsel in distress, he prefers to lie rather than risk the truth. That lie leads to a lot of complications, some of which involve, Arshad Warsi as the cop who doesn’t like Ajay but is in love with his sister, the snake-tattooed guy, a Rani Mukherjee from Saawariya clone, a dead body, men in drag etc etc.


Some of the best moments come when they’re ripping off something – there’s a hilarious sequence when they’re going hell for leather behind the Kingfisher tune (ooh lala le oleo), another where Ajay spouts dialogue mentioning every one of his films, again when Kareena uses all the Hindi serial names or when they use music from ‘Tashan’ and towards the end when they start beating Tusshar just because he’s from Balaji Productions (in real life).

Ajay was very good in this one, Arshad seems to have re-discovered his spontaneity (had been a bit flat in some of his earlier ones), Tusshar was good though I think they over did the mute jokes while Shreyas was wasted in his role – it was too slapstick for his talents. Amongst the women Kareena looked hot (though do you also feel that she's lost too much weight ?), while Celina, thankfully in this one, keeps her clothes on.

I’ll leave you with a couple of PJ’s that are used – they’re both questions really. What would Lara Dutta be called if she married Brian Lara ? Whats the difference between a secretary and a personal secretary ? If the answers (the first one is obvious) can make you smile, then you have a hope of enjoying the film. Else save yourself the effort or the expense.

Heroes

Rating : 6/10
Running Time : 139 Minutes
Release Date : 24th Oct 2008
Director & Writer : Samir Karnik; Music : Sajid & Wajid Ali
Starring : Sohail Khan, Vatsal Sheth, Salman Khan, Sunny Deol, Bobby Deol, Mithun Chakraborty, Preity Zinta, Dino Morea, Dwij Yadav

I walked in expecting disaster but it wasn’t at all that bad. It’s a bit too rah-rah, India-is-my-motherland-and-I-will-defend-it-to-my-dying-breath kind of stuff, but they’ve chosen to give a nice angle to it. Two good for nothing students (Sohail Khan and Vatsal Sheth) at the film institute, who’ve not attended any classes, are told to submit a film or they wont be passed. They choose the topic of ‘why you should not join the Indian army’ and in this connection meet a senior war journalist, who simply gives them three letters, each given to him by a person who died in the war, and asks them to deliver the letters to the respective families. Sohail and Vatsal are off, on their mobike, driving through Punjab, Himachal and Leh to deliver the letters are learn more about why soldiers are willing to die for their country.

Like, I said, it’s a bit over the top, I found the editing a bit jerky, the songs mostly terrible and the dialogue a bit forced. The opening is actually quite badly copied from ‘Friends’ and the book ‘Five-point-someone’ and the opening song is terrible with city slickers bursting inexplicably into Rajasthani folk song. Also, the Punjabi village shown is too stereotypical, with literally every cliché thrown in (the ‘oye Baljeetya’s’, the paratha’s with lots of butter etc) and I’ve never understood why the characters don’t speak proper Punjabi – its like some Punju words thrown in to give the local flavour but mixed with enough Hindi to make sure the non-Punjabi audience can follow it. Even my Punjabi is better than whats mostly shown and that says a lot

But its interesting, they paint decent enough characters through the film to keep you sufficiently gripped and the cinematography is very nice. Sohail was very good, I really like him, he has a nice smile and always manages to lend credibility to whichever role he does. Nice cameo’s by Prateeksha Lonker as Dino’s mom, Preity Zinta, who carries off her role with quiet dignity, and Dwij Yadav who manages to be cute without being syrupy. Wont reveal the other names & their roles as it may take something away from your viewing experience. Couple of nice touches in terms of Sohail’s colourful boxers, the border road signs (‘please be gentle on my curves’) and the way over the top wheel chair fighting sequence, befitting the son of Dharmendra, with almost Hulk-like special effects.


However, I felt, unlike Rang De Basanti for example, this movie was trying too hard to make us feel patriotic, to make us weep, to play on our emotions. Its also too one-sided a story, painting a very rosy picture – the contrast with Dhoop, for example, is amazing with the family of a deceased war hero struggling to get whats rightfully theirs. And it may even be the wrong timing for this film – there is a recession upon us and probably we’re at our least feel-good moment right now.

Roadside Romeo

Rating : 6/10
Running Time : 93 Minutes
Release Date : 24th Oct 2008
Director & Writer : Jugal Hansraj; Music : Salim - Sulaiman
Starring (Voices) : Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Javed Jaaferi
Its stereotypical, predictable and for someone born and brought up on wonderful world of Disney & Pixar, its very ordinary. But I’ll give some bonus brownie points just for trying and for the lovely end-credits (the bloopers section for me was the best section of the film).

Romeo is a happy-go-lucky street dog who falls in love with Laila, who’s beautifully turned out, well-manicured and almost poodle-like in her airs. However, Charlie Anna, the local don, is also a big fan and willing to kill anyone who so much as looks at her…

I think the assumption the makers of the film made was that just seeing something so well animated, with dogs mouthing funny accents etc will be a novelty for the audience. And perhaps that’s why they didn’t bother making the story more interesting or the dialogue funnier – if this same dialogue had been in a ‘human’ film, we would’ve yawned and that’s why, after the novelty wears out, our attention begins to falter. A further negative are the numerous songs, including several item numbers, which don’t really add to the film.

On the plus side, you have the best animation India has ever seen, some funny sequences involving the accents of popular filmstars or scenes from other Yashraj films (Dhoom2, Dilwale Dulhania etc) and even (in the initial stages) the music from popular sound tracks. They’ve added some nice touches as well – the bicycle chain around Anna’s neck, the ‘tussi na jao’ bit, And the blooper section is really funny.

Kids will love it. And the guilt of not taking the kids to this one will easily outweigh the negatives of the film, so might as well go with low expectations and you might even enjoy this one.

Last Samurai

Rating : 9/10
Running Time : 154 Minutes
Release Date : December 2003
Director & co-writer : Edward Zwick; Writer : John Logan; Music : Hans Zimmer
Starring : Tom Cruise, Ken Watanabe, Koyuki, Masato Harada, Bill Connolly

I’d forgotten what epics were like – and what a lovely way to remember. This one is a true epic ! It beautifully depicts the clash between the old values and the modernists, something which can be true of India even today, without really taking sides. It also shows how, unfortunately, humans have chosen to direct their ingenuity to make weapons which can kill more people, faster ! And it does all this by building characters we truly start to care for – people we understand and feel their pain or their confusion.



The Last Samurai traces the journey of disenchanted, alcohol swilling Nathan Algren, who once was forced by his superiors to fire at a village of Indian women and children and since then has always lived with the nightmares of that day. One of those superiors gets him a job training the Japanese Emperor’s army (mostly peasants) as they struggle to fight a Samurai group, led by Katsumoto, which still wants to live by the Samurai code & the old ways while the young emperor is fascinated by all things western. During the first battle, a combination of luck and quick thinking results in Algren being taken prisoner by the Samurai vs being killed. And so begins a new journey as both Katsumoto and Aigren learn about each other, their values, their methods etc. And it leads to a very impressive ending as we mourn the needless loss of life, the end of an era.



The movie scores on all fronts – whether its action sequences, emotional scenes or even just beautiful shots which showcase the beauty of the Orient. The acting is nothing short of sensational. Tom Cruise has this streak in him of coming up with excellent performances while seeming to remain deadpan for most of the film (Rainman and Collateral come to mind). Ken Watanabe looks & acts the part of the brave Samurai, appreciating the beauty of battles and of cherry blossoms in almost the same breath. The whole relationship between Tom Cruise and Koyuki’s kids is beautifully shown, very realistic, nothing over the top. And Koyuki, in a very difficult role, comes through unscathed.


This is a tour-de-force. The movie casts a spell on you, transports you to another time, makes you weep and smile along with the protagonists. Again, I’ve had it in my collection for not less than 3 years but finally saw it only this week. All I can say is that I regret the delay deeply, as something so beautiful could've been a part of me for longer.

Raincoat

Rating : 5/10
Running Time : 120 Minutes
Release Date : December 2004
Director & Writer : Rituparno Ghosh; Music : Debajyoti Misra
Starring : Ajay Devgan, Aishwarya Rai, Annu Kapoor, Mouli Ganguly

It’s a slightly sombre film, though filled with good performances, some enchanting background music (thematic is sung by Shubha Mudgal, some poetry by Gulzar) and a nice, cute ending. Its more a play than a movie actually, inspired by a O’Henry story (will be giving the story away if I tell you which one).

Ajay Devgan, down on his luck, out of a job, weepy, depressive, comes from his village to Kolkatta and is staying over at his college friend’s place. Together, they devise a plan wherein Ajay will go ask their other batchmates for small amounts of money (Rs 5000 or so) to make up the seed capital he needs to start his new business. The friends wife is also very supportive, touched by the state he is in, and gives him her mobile phone and also the raincoat mentioned in the title. Ajay also wants to meet his old flame, Aishwarya, now married for six years, a move not supported by the friend (since she had caused Ajay so much heartache) and he finally relents only on one condition – that Ajay borrow at least 15000 from her alone. Within 20 minutes of the film’s start, Ajay is ringing Aishwarya’s doorbell.

Almost the whole movie goes by in whispered half tones punctuated only by the slightly more vibrant flashbacks. Its somberness somehow gets to you, lowers your own enthusiasm. The friends wife, nicely played by Mouli Ganguly, and the cameo by Annu Kapoor, who plays a very irritating character quite well, are the only relief from the very halting dialogue between the lead characters (even though I found the whole conversation Annu had with Ajay quite implausible).

I’ve always failed to understand why they would take someone as gorgeous as Aishwarya and then completely deglamourize her - dress her up in dowdy clothes, make her look worn out / frumpy and even talk funny. I also think they made the story slower, and excessively depressive than it needed to be, else it would have appealed to a lot more people than it did right now. Nice but not very – if it weren’t for the music, I would probably have gone for a lower rating.

Parineeta

Rating : 8/10
Running Time : 130 Minutes
Release Date : June ‘2005
Director & Co-writer : Pradeep Sarkar; Writer : Vidhu Vinod Chopra, Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay (author, 1914 novella) ; Music : Shantanu Moitra
Starring : Saif Ali Khan, Sanjay Dutt, Vidya Balan, Raima Sen, Dia Mirza
This is a film that reminds us of the strange capacity we humans have to seek unhappiness. We may have everything, all the people we love around us, yet we find ways to make ourselves miserable. Parineeta (translation : The Married Woman, based on Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay’s classic novella) is a tragedy of sorts but not one that’s excessively gloomy or depressing.

It describes the relationship between Shekhar (Saif) and Lolita (Vidya Balan’s debut), inseparable friends & neighbours despite the class gap that yawns between them. Saif is a musically inclined rich kid in a household that is dominated ruthlessly by his businessman father. He loves the piano, keeps trying to compose new tunes and describes himself less as a businessman, more a musician. He finds, right from childhood, an able companion in arms in Lolita. She is the daughter of a middle class, out of work / almost retired father, is a natural at music (according to Shekhar) and is the life and soul of her household (competent, efficient and yet fun). She and Shekhar enjoy a great rapport, to the extent that he gives her the keys to his cupboard and she is free to take money (petty cash) whenever she needs it, without asking for permission.

There are two major events that occur in the film. First is a loan that Shekhar’s father gives to Lolita’s when he needed money and in return gets their house, which is worth much more than the loan amount, as collateral. Lolita’s father knows, especially since he is out of a job, that there is a slim chance of him returning the money and so it weighs heavily on him and his other family members. The other is the arrival of Girish (Sanjay Dutt), the brother of another neighbour, a businessman from London (owns steel mills), a quiet, soft-spoken yet full of life person, who falls head over heels for Lolita. Most importantly, his arrival also causes the equations between Shekhar’s and Lolita’s households to change. To what extent, you’ll have to watch to find out…

Parineeta is one of the movies where every actor fits their part perfectly – you cannot imagine any other actor in their roles. However, even more rarely, you also find it difficult to imagine that actor in any other role, so credible are all the performances. I remember feeling the same way, many years ago, when I saw Dustin Hoffman in Rainman – I ran out to get another Dustin movie as soon as it finished as I couldn’t imagine him as anything but an autistic savant. Sanjay’s portrayal of Girish is so nicely done (I rate this as one of his finest performances) that you cannot imagine him anymore as a gangster or ruffian. Vidya Balan is excellent as Lolita, fits the part of a Bengali beauty effortlessly and Saif gives the first hints of his true acting abilities with his role as Shekhar. Even Dia Mirza plays her part as rich, spoilt kid with nonchalance – the joke about the 6 cooks or 12 was brilliantly told.

Parineeta almost seems like a musical score, with a certain lyrical quality to it. It begins with a flourish, is sweet and innocent at first, has a beautiful mid-piece and then ends with a fitting crescendo. It makes for compulsive viewing, with a lovely recreation of Calcutta in the 60’s and 70’s. Enjoy.

Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi

Rating : 7/10
Running Time : 118 Minutes
Release Date : 19th September ‘2008
Director & Co-Writer : Sudhir Mishra; Writer : Ruchi Narain ; Music : Shantanu Moitra
Starring : Kay Kay Menon, Shiney Ahuja, Chitrangda Singh, Yashpal Sharma, Saurabh Shukla, Anupam Shyam

It is impossible in this movie not to take sides. It begins in 1969 with two letters being read out, both to the same woman, Geeta (Chitrangda Singh), by two very different men. One is Siddharth (Kay Kay), born with a silver spoon in his mouth (as Vikram points out frequently), the son of a retired judge and a fire-brand college activist and convert to the Naxalite movement. His dream is to go to Bihar and live there. The other is Vikram, very middle class, son of a Gandhivadi father, well connected, the type who knows everyone yet is true friends with no one. The type who, unlike Siddharth etc, don’t want to break out but just want to break in !

And the recipient of the letters, Geeta, is not sure of where she is – a bit lost, very much ‘in love’ with Siddharth, somewhat in love with his ideals, enjoys the attention she gets from the clearly infatuated Vikram but then finds an M.A. in London also beckoning. She clearly needs to sort herself out.


Fast forward four years and we find Siddharth living in Bihar, haunted, skinny, finding real change very hard to implement and on the run from the police, who are a law unto themselves. Vikram is also where he wanted to be, in Delhi, oiling the corridors of power and as he puts it ‘rapidly acquiring power and wealth’. He is a fixer, the man who knows how to get things done, the man whom local politicians are keeping an eye out for, the man who doesn’t really have any beliefs apart from the pursuit of his self-centered goals. And Geeta. She is still a little lost, married, to an IAS officer. Newly returned to India, she meets Vikram by chance at a typical Delhi party and realizes a few truths about herself. And then the movie moves forward. The characters of Vikram and Siddharth are well-drawn and are easy to understand, each being very clear in terms of their goals / ideals etc. Geeta’s character is much tougher to understand. Each time you see her, you sense some indecision. But ultimately, in some ways, she turns out to be the strongest of them all.


The great things about this film are the great performances, the beautiful & enchanting Chitrangda Singh (real life wife of ace Indian golfer Jyoti Randhawa), beautiful soundtrack, lovely dialogue (example : A Maharaja is describing his palace to Vikram and comes to the Harem where the king used to have 700 wives. Vikram asks the obvious question ‘what did the wives do when the king was not around ?’ and gets the deadpan answer ‘they made do with the palace staff except that if any of the staff were caught, their balls were chopped off’. Vikram’s next question is a classic ‘what did they do with the balls ?’). And some very realistic portrayal of the tumultuous early 70’s in which most of the movie is set. Including people being beaten up by the cops in Bihar (excellent cameo by Anupam Shyam as Jhanda Singh, S.H.O. in Bihar) for the murder of an inspector but finding out that the inspector is being brought back completely drunk, on a bullock cart. Or his eye movements when he speaks to Geeta. Or the Delhi upper middle class life & social do’s, where people pontificate on the ill’s of the country over refined English tea and classical music recitals.


The movie is not pretty but its powerful and thought provoking. You do wonder about whats going to happen to the India that we’re not really familiar with, the one that resides in small villages in far off states, where things haven’t really changed that much over the last fifty years. Where the caste system still prevails (hilarious situation shown regarding the thakur and a low caste doctor), where the police or other officials are judge, jury and executioner. And where Independence promised much but has turned out to be a mere mirage. You do wonder whether the people have really had enough. Enough of the principle-bereft politicians, who are willing to sell their soul for a fast buck and change sides even for loose change. Enough of bureaucrats assuming all of the power but none of the responsibility. And enough of all excuses and the stunted growth the country is enjoying. Maybe its time for another revolution. Or maybe it isn’t. Watch it and make up your mind.

13 Tzameti

Rating : 7/10
Running Time : 86 Minutes
Release Date : January ‘2006
Director & Writer : Gela Babluani;
Starring : George Babluani, Pascal Bongard, Serge Chambon, Olga Legrand, Aurelien Recoing

I’ve rarely seen a film where you didn’t know what the hell it was about till halfway through but still enjoyed it. It even managed to keep my wife from sleeping and many years of marriage can testify that its not a task easily accomplished. Also, when you do find out what is happening it does take your breath away, a bit.


The Georgian director weaves together a really nice black and white film where the lead character, Sebastien (his real life brother), a poor house handyman, upon not getting his full payment takes an envelope meant for the now dead owner of the house. The envelope contains nothing sinister, just train tickets and a hotel address and at first the cloak and dagger routine surprises him. And then when he finds out what its about, he tries to escape but by then its too late.

The brothers seem destined for bigger things in life. Gela directs very well and though the end is kind of predictable, keeps us completely hooked with some deft touches and skilful turns. And George perfects the innocent man, who doesn’t quite know whats happening, merely follows an impulse which lands him in all sorts of trouble. And Aurelien Recoing is excellent as the aggressive, winking #6. Tzameti, by the way, is Georgian for thirteen.


I can imagine what they’ve shown still happening today, in some corner of the developed or developing world. Testosterone, the gambling instinct and a vicarious competitive nature can combine to make us do funny things. Men, after all, will always be men.

Thanks to UTV World Movies for sending me the DVD

Koma

Rating : 3/10
Running Time : 88 Minutes
Release Date : April ‘2004
Director : Chi-Leung Law; Writer : Susan Chan
Starring : Kar Yan Lam, Angelica Lee, Andy Hui Chi-on, Raymond Wong

An extremely unusual film, quite macabre and gruesome at times but keeps you hooked – the type where you keep watching, despite being repulsed a bit, wondering whats happening next. A bit in the 'Old Boy' (Hindi remake 'Zinda') genre.

It involves a girl, her boyfriend, a suspected kidney thief and some other characters. It follows the relationship of the three central characters and shows them wildly fluctuate from extreme enmity and intimidation to extreme ‘yeh dosti hum nahin todenge’ type friendship. Several twists follow, not all plausible. And then it ends in a psychotic blaze.

I’m not such a keen fan of ‘psycho’ type films – never been able to really understand the characters or warm towards them. The film is interesting only to a degree and the predictable ending ensures that this is not really one for the DVD collection.

Thanks to UTV World Movies for sending me the DVD

La Spagnola

Rating : 4/10
Running Time : 87 Minutes
Release Date : September ‘2001
Director : Steve Jacobs; Writer : Anna Maria Monticelli
Starring : Lola Marceli, Alice Ansara, Lourdes Bartolome, Simon Palomores

I still don’t know what it was about, the broader message emanating from this slice of life about two Spanish immigrants in Australia, Lola & Lucia, mother & daughter and how their relationship goes. Lola is the screeching, nagging type, in other words, your typical wife, except that she is downright stunning and has men doing double-takes throughout the film. Lucia is the quiet one, happy in the company of the several farm animals they have. Lola thinks she is just like her father but we have to take her word for that as we don’t see much of him – he walks out on Lola in the opening frame for an Australian woman. From the little we see of him, it seems Lola’s assessment of him as a weak, selfish coward, who always thought only of himself, seems true.

Lucia hates Lola for letting her father go. Lola also doesn’t like Lucia too much and their relationship is not pretty to watch. And neither is the movie – too much screaming, too much shouting, much ado about nothing. No blinding insights into the human psyche or the life of early emigrants into Australia or even Spanish people / women. There are a few funny scenes, the way the Australian woman kept reappearing was funny, as was the raffle or Lucia’s translations and definitely the whole sequence on Manola (Lola’s sister), who in contrast to her sister is a chirpy, happy soul. But they were too far and few in between a film that focused more on the unhappiness of life and the fact that you’ve no idea on whats going to hit you next. I really didn’t get the point of this one.

Thanks to UTV World Movies for sending me the DVD

Kidnap

Rating : See the last para below
Running Time : 149 Minutes
Release Date : 2nd October ‘2008
Director : Sanjay Gadhvi; Writer : Shibani Bathija; Music : Pritam Chakraborty
Starring : Minissha Lamba, Sanjay Dutt, Imran Khan, Vidya Malvade

I’m going to just list the positives and the negatives – with each item being given a +/- points tally which will lead to a final rating. Am writing all points in random order, the positives and negatives mixed up and not in any order of weightage

 Opening credits : +3 points : beautifully crafted pencil sketches tell a complete wordless story by themselves and make sure that time is not wasted and we are hooked right from the first frame.
 Minissha Lamba : +1 point : looks truly Punjabi, especially figure wise and especially in a bikini. A relief to see a voluptuous bod unlike the size zero fad. And she acts decently too.

 Songs : -1 points : not that great, forced and a distraction (slows down the story, releases the tension build-up of the plot). One song (Mit jaye) is very good but only comes at the end. The film actually didn’t need songs, just background music would’ve been fine
 Sanjay Dutt : +1 point : He can act for sure, brings a little of his unique flair to the party
 Plot : -2 points : Interesting premise, of someone kidnapping a daughter of a rich man but its not for money. However, what happens later is a let down – the tasks given to Sanjay were a bit too implausible, all that stuff about him being the ‘richest man on the planet’ was unnecessary as it wasn’t used at all for the story (but should have, in my opinion). And the end was a bit contrived, unnecessarily sentimental.
 Casting : -1 points : for whoever had the brainwave of casting vidya malvade as the mom. Its not that she acts badly but look just too damn young to be a mom unless she was one of the balika badhu’s from Rajasthan
 Imran Khan : 0 points : he looks good but could’ve acted better. However, I’m glad he took up this role else he would’ve been stuck doing choco cute boy roles for the next 50 films. He will get better as an actor, the guy has potential, lots of it.
 Dialogues : -2 points : a bit forced, lacked humour / spark. Needed a better scriptwriter.
 Locations : +1 point : am giving it one point just because they didn’t blow up a packet shooting songs in 3 continents, fancy locations. It wasn’t necessary and they desisted, unlike most producers / directors of today.

So, I went in with my usual mid-point rating of 5 and found that different elements balanced themselves out to leave me a 5 as a final rating. Could’ve easily been so much better. I think the producer / director got excited by the overall concept and then didn’t pay so much attention to the little details that could’ve made it brilliant.

Drona

Rating : 2/10
Running Time : 144 Minutes (internationally, unconfirmed 173 minutes in India)
Release Date : 2nd October ‘2008
Director & Writer : Goldie Behl; Music : Dhruv Ghanekar
Starring : Abhishek Bachchan, Priyanka Chopra and Kay Kay Menon

A combination of a terrible film, sleep deprivation, my drivers holiday (Eid) and a couple of beers forced me to walk out of the film within 25 minutes. I had the same kind of foreboding within 5 minutes of the start as I had in Love Story 2050. The story, dialogue, acting, characters were all so terrible, poorly drawn out, stereotypical that I just couldn’t bear to watch this one fully

I walked out just as Kay Kay, who plays the villain, was introduced and hearing his hammy dialogue proved to be the straw that broke this camel’s back. Subsequently, my wife, brother, mother etc watched it fully and assured me I did the right thing. Even the two points are only for the special effects that I didn’t see (copied from a slew of Hollywood adventure films) and for Priyanka Chopra (who’s entrance also I sadly missed).

Apparently Goldie has already decided that he’s going to do a sequel. He may have trouble finding someone to bankroll it this time. Sorry for copping out, but I took instinctive evasive action just as a batsman instinctively dodges a bouncer to the head.