Khoobsurat

Rating : 3/10
Release Date : 19th September, 2014
Time : 130 minutes
Director: Shashanka Ghosh; Writer: Indira Bisht (very loosely based on the 1980 film of the same name); Music : Sneha Khanwalkar
Starring : Sonam Kapoor, Fawad Khan, Kirron Kher, Ratna Pathak Shah



A fictitious chat with the Director and Producer of this very irritating turkey

Me : Why would you take the rights of a classic like Khoobsurat and then change everything to this extent ?
Director : (looking distinctly uncomfortable) Well, it was about a no-rules character entering a discipline heavy household. But it wasn’t my script…you’ll have to check with the writer and producer
Producer : You’re not looking at it from the right perspective! Tell me, who would come to watch my daughter, with her acting skills and box office record, if I didn’t say it was a remake of Khoobsurat

Me : My point is different – if you have taken the rights, then why not stick with that storyline – I mean it worked brilliantly in the original ? The whole middle class ethos, the clash of wills between Dina Pathak and Rekha, the endearing characters…why change it all ?
Director : looking even more uncomfortable, just points his finger towards the producer
Producer : We took a classic Jane Austen novel for a previous film and didn’t stick to that, to yeh kya cheez hai ? We just made it more aspirational, yaar ! Everyone loves royalty in India, look at how much we follow the British monarchy, so we brought that element in. This also allowed Sonam to live up to her fashionista image – she could now dress in anyway she wanted, which also takes the focus off her acting. We also brought in different ethnic groups – Punjabi’s, Rajputs, Bengali’s to broaden the film’s appeal. We even got a Pakistani lead actor, hoping for some controversy but despite several anonymous messages to Shiv Sena, they simply did nothing about it…too busy with the elections, unfortunately !

Me : But don’t you think you went way over the top ? I mean most of her actions, behavior was ludicrous, especially for the role of a reputed doctor coming to look after a royal ? And the less said about Kirron Kher, the better…
Director : I think the pressure of trying to keep the film around the two hour mark doesn’t really allow us to build characters the way the earlier three hour films could
Producer : (leaning back, putting his arms behind his head) I find your question to be anti-feminist and offensive to women !

Me : (aghast) What ???
Director : (bemused but his half-smile tells me he’s been through stuff like this during the shoot)
Producer : Do you ask for logic when a scrawny ShahRukh beats up 200 people in Chennai Express? Do you question it when Salman’s roar in Jai Ho makes a 100 goondas scatter in Jai Ho or when a London bus is suddenly driving around in Warsaw in Kick ? Or when the tiny Aamir starts bashing up many big guys in Ghajini ? Then why should you ask such silly questions for my daughter’s film ? Why should you be looking for logic in Hindi films at all, especially mine ? Havent you seen my earlier productions like Shortkut ?

Me : (deciding to change the topic) Am just curious about Fawad’s character - what he did all day – he just seemed to be always roaming around the palace like a ghost, stalking Sonam and didn’t seem to have ever seen any action under the sheets to fall for Sonam ?
Director : We allude to his several business deals, show one and then, well, it is a love story…so we have to show them together…
Producer : Even I felt that the audience may not get it, so we even added a scene where Sonam calls herself Hawt ! Not Hot! Mind you, but Hawt! – That’s how the kids talk these days. And then we even made her wear these outlandish dresses so she would really stick out and be noticed – only problem, the dresses were so crazy, we struggled to find a reputable designer who would give his name to the film

Me : Fawad, despite his slightly wooden acting, seems to have many admirers…
Director : He wasn’t bad, is extremely good-looking and does have a huge fan following, thanks to his TV serials…
Producer : (rubbing his hands with glee) Yes – I think that’s the formula we’re going to adopt from now on – find projects where the male star has a huge fan following and figure out a way to put Sonam in it. It worked in Raanjhana, people went to watch Dhanush but she got credit for being in a hit. And now Fawad alone will add about 10 cr to the box office of this film. Another 10cr comes from all the different ethnicities we put in, 10 from calling it a Khoobsurat remake (chortles) Sonam even called it a tribute to Hrishikesh da – she has a really good PR agency, they can get almost anything printed…
To you see, cost to recover ho gayi ! (Turning to the director) Next film project, we should have 10 such 10cr reasons, then we can even break into the 100cr club !

I and the director decide to terminate the interview…